Archive for December, 2006

I am hesitant to post this entry, but I’ve written it, and
hell only three people read this blog anyway. 

So ya’ll know I recently got this new job. What you don’t know is that this job has
really triggered a lot of shit that I am having trouble dealing with and having
trouble separating (old shit, or not the right job?). I know where it comes from (Navy kid, new kid
on the block, parents who didn’t believe in themselves so I and all my siblings
just adopted that same malaise, a persistent retreat into fantasy and away from
reality as a life-long coping mechanism). What I want is to erase it all from my consciousness, heal it, make it
go away, whatever. I am so tired of
being scared. I am so tired of being
angry and sad. I am so tired of feeling
like I am not good at anything and that I have no idea what I am supposed to be
doing (not only in life, but specifically in this job). I am tired of feeling like I am wrong ALL THE
TIME. Well, almost all the time.

This is a good job with a good salary. This is a leap upwards for me on the
corporate ladder. And I know I am still
a beginner (and I’m TRYING to be okay with that because hello I am the first
child we are supposed to know everything) but I’m in a culture where there isn’t
a lot of guidance or direction. Its sink
or swim time, baby, and I know that I’m swimming, but I hate the fear of
sinking. I might sink myself under the
weight of the fear of sinking!

I need a mentor. I
need to learn to meditate. I need
someone to tell me what exactly my job is and what is expected of me. I need to chill the fuck out and stop
worrying but I don’t know how.


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You will never believe this.  You cannot even imagine how astonishing this is.  Are you sitting down dear Readers?

This afternoon I was hanging around two of my colleagues cubes.  We were chatting and catting away, idly as you do of a Friday afternoon.  Several offices around us were being draped in Christmas lights by their owners (which reminds me, I want to buy a little tree for my office this weekend), and our talk turned naturally to the holidays – food, lights, travel, parties.

So I’m standing there, on a wet Friday afternoon, blah blahing to my colleagues, and up to this point the world is normal.  The next minute, all hell breaks loose in the reality department.

"I love the holidays," I say.  "Tonight I’m going to go home and listen to the Messiah."

"What’s that?" asks my co-worker.

"Yeah, ha ha, what’s that?" I mimic, laughing like a doofus.


"I–don’t know what you are talking about."

"Handel’s Messiah?"

[shrug] "A piece of music apparently?"


"What? I haven’t heard of it."

[head explodes]

"What about Shakespeare, have you heard of him?"

Okay I didn’t really say that, BUT OH MY HOLY LORD.  After I finished teasing her and then hummed some bars from the Hallelujah chorus she got it.  "OHHHH!" she said.

But HONESTLY.  What DO they teach children in the schools these days?  I don’t care if she grew up on the West Coast!!!  How could a person with a LAW DEGREE not have heard of Handel’s Messiah???

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