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Archive for March, 2007

[Chanelbaby]:  Hello?  Baby?  Are you driving?

[Bartender Dude]: Uh, yeah, I’m driving home.  I’m almost there.  I just called you like five minutes ago from the restaurant.

[Chanelbaby]: Okay well I’m sorry butI’mnakedandI’mcoldandIcan’tfindmy PEEEJAAAYYYYS!!!

[Bartender Dude]: (pause)

[Bartender Dude]: Are they on the chair?

[Chanelbaby]: (whimpering pause) Nooooo….

[Bartender Dude]: (another pause)

[Bartender Dude]: Oh, you put them in the guest room.

I ask you, can the man be real?  Is this even fair?  I don’t know what I did in a former life to get this lucky in love, but I MUST have thrown myself in front of a train to save orphaned, parapelegic babies, thus saving them from their crack-dealing pimp.

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I’m sitting in the cosy back sitting room watching The Age of Innocence (which has some of the best clothes and dinner scenes I’ve ever seen), and this advert comes on, triumphantly claiming "Victoria’s Secret has REINVENTED THE BRA!"

"AGAIN?" I said out loud to the knitting.

This past weekend, I picked up LS and drove halfway around the world to Tysons Corner, to the largest collection of shops in the area, where there is a WEST ELM.  I get their catalogs and they have the smartest collection of things.  So I went there in search of some peacock-coloured pillows for the bedroom (I’m all in a rage for that colour) which I swear I had seen in a catalog a few months ago.  When I arrived, all the pillows were either Greek island blue or pale sea glass blue, so I asked the store clerks if they had any of the peacock-coloured ones left.  "I’m sorry, we don’t," he said.  "We change our colour scheme every four to six weeks, and discount what’s left to drive it out of stock."

I swear to God, I don’t know what’s happened to me but I think I’m suddenly older.  Suddenly shopping stresses me out, when it used to be one of my favourite activities.  It annoys the SHIT out of me that product cycles are so compressed.  The time I’m allowed to savor something aesthetically and determine if I want to purchase it has violently collapsed.  Stores don’t wait for me to find the time to get to them in order to buy the things I want.  Victoria’s Secret has re-re-re-invented the bra, and couldn’t care less.  There are too many options to consider, I’m overwhelmed with the constant newness of products, none of which are on my radar for longer than a blip before they disappear.

I can’t tell if I’m just slowing down, or if the priorities for what I care to focus on and process have shifted.  But in actual fact, and to deny to myself that this could be about me becoming tragically unhip, I think that these mass manufacturers of cheap, sleek products have realised that the craze for constant changeability can work as a powerful motivation to BUY NOW and they are using that to full advantage.

What a curmudgeon! I never thought this would happen to me, but I appear to be creeping toward MIDDLE AGE.  AHGGHGHGHG.  Someone send me some trendy music and a handbag covered in chains STAT.

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